I hate leftovers.
There, I said it. I don’t care how good the gelatinous mess in the refrigerator tasted when we had it for dinner two nights ago. In my opinion it now belongs in the trash. I know that’s a terrible, awful, financially suspect opinion. But it’s just how I feel. Paul disagrees. Just today I had to force him to throw out a Tupperware containing steak from a meal last week. He was planning to eat it for lunch.
Paul: Man, I could just get old school with “There are starving children in Africa, Heather! And you are throwing out perfectly good food! Such financial folly! Go to your room, but eat these old beets first!” But that is too paternal and not the role-playing dynamic I want in our relationship. So I’ll just stick with: throwing out perfectly good food is sacrilege and flies against all that is just and right with the world. You will fry in eternal damnation if you toss that petite sirloin in the trash before it turns into a true bio-hazard.
Heather: Ay, therein lies the rub. Let us define bio-hazard, shall we? How about that time you ate week old turkey chili and got food poisoning? And then ate it again the next day! Was that not a bio-hazard? It definitely was not “perfectly good food.”
Paul: There was no way to pin my illness on the poor turkey chili. There were plenty of suspects, and I thought it tasted just fine. OK, it may have been a bit past it’s prime, but it still resembled something with nutritional properties.
Heather: YOU GOT SICK AGAIN WHEN YOU ATE IT THE NEXT DAY!!! I know that correlation doesn’t prove causation, but I think that’s pretty damning evidence. Your addiction to leftovers is a health hazard.
Paul: Why don’t we move on from the ethical and safety issues. Let’s take this from the perspective of one of your personal passions: time management. You spend all this time making a great meal, there’s a bunch remaining and you could have another meal just by using the microwave, but you toss it? Wasted effort I say! And wasted grocery budget as well!
Heather: Ok, you have me there. I don’t actually object to you eating leftovers within a couple of days of their creation. I just can’t stomach them myself. They are always dried out (if they’re supposed to be juicy) or soggy (if they’re supposed to be crispy). And don’t even get me started on cold leftover pizza. Scourge of the universe.
Paul: Don’t you ever speak about cold pizza like that again! Cold pizza and Scarlett Johansson are the strongest proof of the existence of an all powerful deity I know. Open the door, grab that little slice of heaven, take a quick bite, and savor the firm, supple texture, spiced with age and resilience. I’m not sure how much of that sentence was Scarlett Jo and how much cold pizza fantasy.
Heather: Now your leftover addiction is making me ill.
Paul: Two words: Cillian Murphy. I had to hose you off after every episode of Peaky Blinders.
But back at the ranch: haven’t you ever had things that are generally made in mass quantities, like a stew or a soup, that traditionally people store and reheat for several days?
Heather: Nope. Never have. Don’t want to. Never will.Cold pizza and Scarlett Johansson are the strongest proof of the existence of an all powerful deity I know.Click To Tweet
Let’s just agree that you can scavenge all the bacteria-laden offal from the fridge you want as long as you don’t make yourself sick or inflict your perverted culinary proclivities on me.
Paul: I must confess that I had to look up the word “offal” and I can see why. I would never consider any edible food as waste or by-product, and I would certainly never slander perfectly good leftovers that way!
Fine, I’ll eat my leftovers with a side of superiority over your wasteful ways.
If you enjoyed this Throwdown, you might enjoy our recent discussion about whether or not to wear headphones at the poker table.
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